love letters to the Savior

Not Here

2008-10-01T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hello there. If you are looking for me, I've moved! Come and check out my new place HERE.

Taste Test

2008-09-24T23:14:00.000-07:00

I want to taste Your Spirit.
I'm tired of the immitation.
I'm beginning to taste the difference.
If I ever tasted Your Spirit before,
I forgot.
I want to taste Your Spirit once more.

Late Bloomer

2008-09-09T23:40:00.000-07:00

House? no
Degree? not yet
Married? no
Kids? no

And I bet you think I'm ugly and maybe I am. I realize what that looks like to the world. Question. Did Jesus have any of those things at my age (thirtysomething?) No. Was he pursuing those things? No. Was he worried about finding those things? No. Was he handsome? Not according to Isaiah 53:2. His only desire was the will of the Father who sent Him. Whether people believe in Jesus or not, He was is and always will be the most influential person that ever walked the face of this earth. Jesus. A man with no house. No car. No job. No wife or kids to brag about. The Bible says that God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. I know to the world I might look like a foolish, unsuccessful girl with nothing to show for her life in practical terms.

Then again....Noah built a humongous boat in the middle of the desert because it was going to "rain" and people didn't even know what rain was yet.

Abraham held his most beloved son at knife point because God wanted to know that Abraham held nothing more dear to him then God himself.

Sweet John the Baptist ran around in a loin cloth, and ate honey and locusts yet God used Him to reveal the Son of Man to the world.

Gideon was hiding in a wine press because he was a cowardly man and God called him out to defeat the Midianites after splitting Gideon's army by more than half.

These men did not get so caught up living in the here and now. Striving for success, fame or fortune. They lived with a much greater perspective. An eternal perspective.
Maybe I will one day have those things on that little list above. Maybe I won't. After all, the Bible also says that those who seek to find their life will lose it but those who lose their life for His sake will find it. Isn't that something we all really want anyway? To get a life? To find our calling? To find our purpose? I know I do. But I also know that finding that purpose outside of knowing Him intimatly is like trying to build a house and laboring in vain to try at all if it's not according to His will and purpose.

These "silly" men are some of the most famous men in history, not to mention successful, because they fulfilled the roles God called them too, as opposed to seeking their own agenda and missing the mark. In giving up everything, they received everything. Not necessarily on this earth, but for sure in the sweet hereafter...

I know those men hit the target. They hit the bulls eye, in the most unusual ways.

So here's my question, what are you aiming at today?

In the middle of the night...

2008-08-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was in a sound sleep. Then I heard a very clear knocking. Three knocks to be exact. It startled me wide awake and I let out a gasp. I felt a little bit fearful. Was someone at the door? I didn't move and waited for the knocking to happen again. Nothing. Then I wondered if it came from the guy who lives down below; my window was open, so maybe that's what I heard. But nothing. Only the silence of the night and fan blowing in my room.

Strange little things have been happening to my roommate lately. The Lord called her name out of a sound sleep and called her clearly. That's never happened to her or me or anyone else I know before. So I couldn't help but wonder if it was the Lord knocking. But that seemed silly to me. Maybe I just made it up in my head because of the things that were happening to her. However the reason I was now wide awake was because I heard a very clear and loud knocking. I laid in bed, just listening and thinking about Him until I fell back to sleep.

This morning I kept thinking about the knocking and feeling kind of crazy still. I wondered what the bible had to say about "knocking". I though of the scripture where Jesus says in Revelation 3:20

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

Now although I love that scripture, I don't believe that was what the Lord was trying to tell me.

But then I found this in the Song of Solomon 5:2

"[ Beloved ] I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night." (italics added)

Uh, woah. I mean that's pretty heavy stuff. Maybe that's not for me. I don't want to just start pulling scripture out of context, but it's kind of ironic to me that what I heard last night is directly in scripture, in the Song of Songs, of all mushy places.

Awhile back I asked the Lord, "Would you please make me feel special? I don't feel special to anyone, and I need to feel special."

Honestly, I find the words to that scripture pretty overwhelming and intense. Who talks like that anyway? Um, apparently God does and if husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church then that's a pretty special love thing...

Empty Cups

2008-08-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

Empty Cups, they clang together.
We sit in the four walls and clang our empty cups like children;
looking to the people to the left, to the right, to the guy up in front.
"Can you fill it?" We ask each other.
"Can you?" They ask of me.
No.
No one can fill the empty cups.
Everyone is hungry, or so I assume.
But who then will fill the empty cups?
What did I come here for?
What is it that I want?
I hear a bunch of noisy children clanging their empty cups.
How annoying we must sound.
Do we ask the Lord Almighty to fill the empty cups?
Or do we ask each other?
This is where I have erred.
When my focus is not on Christ and Him Crucified
I find myself seeking the Lord in earthen vessels...(even with good intentions)
Instead of seeking the Lord.

Lord, Here is my empty cup. Father please fill it up, right here in my living room, in my pajamas and when I seem them on Sunday, may that cup that you filled flow over onto them.

Help me to worship you IN spirit and IN truth. Amen.

Trust

2008-08-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to play Tug of War with God.
But He don't play that game.
The loser of Tug of War is the one who falls down.
No wonder my but keeps getting dirty.

Isaiah 8:17
I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.

Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.

A Poem

2008-08-04T00:08:00.000-07:00

Quiet the clutter.
Quiet the noise.
Quiet the sound of the screaming void.
Stop what you're doing.
Just stop right there.
In all of your doing,
You "do" unaware.
You rush to do this.
You rush to do that.
You strive for pockets to be ever fat.
But lean I tell you.
Lean is what you are.
Leanness of Spirit and you think I'm afar.
But near I am to you.
I'm near each day.
This is how I long for you.
Will you not hear and obey?
Come sit by my side.
Join me by My Throne.
I long to be close to you.
Take Me for your own.
I take you for Mine,
If you will take Me.
My Bride, how I am so jealous for thee.
You know not the pretense.
This is not Loves Game.
I've called you as mine
and I've called you by name!
My doorway is open,
My mercy is wide.
My pastures are green if you choose to abide.
My freedom is vast.
My love is deep.
My knowledge and wisdom, may you ever keep.
I will clothe you with splendor
and My Beauty the same,
If you come through the Blood,
that is Jesus by Name.

Living Water

2008-07-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Colossians 1: 10-23

10 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,

11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully

12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,

14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Well, if that don't beat all. That's just perfect considering my previous post ;) How faithful He is to meet His children where we are at and pull our heads out of the sand and show us His ways. How merciful and gracious is the Father's love...

Static

2008-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, eating a banana and sulking. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Do you ever go through days where you are just so sick of yourself? Ick. I just see all the selfishness rising up within me and I feel like unless the Lord comes to change me I will stay a self obsessed little beastie girl. There I said it. I am not so cute, or charming or funny. Nope. I feel like a little brown blob of glue. Sticky and messy. Don't touch.

The thing is, I can't even hide on the Internet anymore! Why, because some of you know me! And I know what you're thinking...."Colleen, knock it off." Well, I'm trying, it's just that, if I can't be real before the Lord or real with how I feel inside and get it out then I will feel like a plastic yellow smiley faced Christian and that's not who I am. NO MORE PLASTIC CROSSES.

I need Jesus. I need my Savior. I need to get over myself and airing out my brain by writing helps, so if you're reading this, this post isn't for you, it's for me, so just be patient and eventually we will resume to your regularly scheduled program.

Joseph and Daniel (Part 1)

2008-06-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm no bible scholar, but these are just some thoughts...

Two beautiful hearts of men before the Lord; who's lives I have been meditating on:
The life of Joseph and the life of Daniel.

These two men adored and worshipped the Lord in their everyday lives. Their love for God seemed to out way their temptation to fall into the deceitfulness of sin. In chaper 39 of Genesis it says how Joseph was given charge over everything in Potiphar's house. Joseph was merely his servant but Potiphar entrusted him with all he owned. Joseph was also apparently attractive and fine-looking. (v.6) Eventually Potiphar's wife took notice of him and on more than one occasion begged Joseph to lie with her. To which Joseph said:

"He is not greater in this house than I am; nor has he kept anything from me except you, for you are his wife. How then can I do this great evil and sin against God?" (Genesis 39:9)

Sin against God? How many of us would immediatly have such a true and right thought? Joseph knew His God. His realationship with the Lord ment everything to him. But I wonder if Potiphar's wife was beautiful. I wonder just how many times she came to Joseph. I wonder how easy it could have been for him to sneak away in secret since no one was around.

But like I said. Jospeh knew his God. He loved his Lord. Obviously more than his carnal desires. He was not willing to compromise himself. He was not willing to sin...against God. And Joseph? Was just a mere man.

But God! I couldn't help myself!
But God! I'm only Human!
But God! I had no choice!

Maybe you didn't use those words. But at one point or another we've all tried to rationalize our sin.

Then the Lord said to me once...
"But! But! But! There are NO Buts in My Kingdom! My Word is YES and Amen!"
(To His ways.)

Hmmmm...so, what's your excuse? Because I'm all out.

Cheap Grace

2008-06-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like deleting almost this entire blog. Why? Because I have been drinking Cheap Grace. Because somewhere along the line I substituted the real cross of Christ for a fake one. A golden calf if you will and I'm disgusted.

I have written poems and sonnets to the Lord and declared this blog "Love Letters to the Savior". But really, I think they have mostly been love letters to myself. I may even change the title someday. How can I can write all this flowery stuff and still toy and coddle with sin like a toddler coddles it's dirty baby blanket? I have seen it in action. The child wants it's dirty blanket. The parent wants the child to grow up and put away the childish things. The child feels like the parent is holding out on him/her and screams for the comfort of the dirty blanket. God will not force me to stop sinning. But His love has so much more for me, if only I would receive it.

If only we would behold the beauty and the shame of the Cross and really know that Jesus didn't die so that we could mess around and play church in the outer courts. How did I get so dull? How did I become so blind? We cannot serve two masters. We will either love our sin and hate the Cross or love the Cross and hate sin just as the Lord hates it. There is no in between.

I have cheapened His grace. You can't toy with sin and be holy as he is holy at the same time. It doesn't work that way and I lie to myself if I think that it does.

Something has got to change and It's-Not-God.

Gutted

2008-06-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

Something has happened to me tonight. I can't seem to stop bursting into tears. For the first time in a very long time I have been pondering Jesus straight up on the cross. It's like I'm seeing fresh just what he did for me. (For everyone) up on that cross. So often, when I cry, it's because I'm crying repentance over my sin. But how often do we weep over the price that Jesus paid for our sins? I wonder how much I would sin less, if I continued to focus on the magnitude of the price he paid for me. How often do we reflect on all the filth that His blood has covered in our lives? I don't know, it's just captivating me right now and I keep thinking..."This really happened." God came down out of the most glorious of places to become flesh and blood and die on a cross so that I might know His redemption. He took my sin. He was stripped naked and suffered unspeakable shame and torture so that I might choose him and be blameless before the Father. I know that sounds graphic, but it's the truth. No one else loves me like that. No one else ever will. I just feel gutted.

Am I right? Is this okay to talk about? I know that the Bible says "Restore to me the Joy of your salvation..." (Psalm 51:12) But I wonder, can we know His Joy until we know His suffering?

Nothing is too hard for God

2008-06-21T12:05:00.000-07:00

Jeremiah 32:17

Alas, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by Your outstretched arm! There is nothing too hard or too wonderful for You-"

Healing of the sick is not too hard for God.

Forgiveness of detestable actions is not too hard for God.

To mend and heal the broken hearted is not too hard for God.

Redemption of the most despicable life is not too hard for God.

Nothing, absolutely Nothing is too hard for You, God.

Let Your Will Be Done. Let Your Kingdom Come.

I believe in You. I wait for You. I love You.

Unraveled

2008-06-02T14:38:00.000-07:00

You uncover my heart.
Like a string around a spool.
You unravel me.
Gently unfolding,
rotation by rotation in Your hand.
Observing each thought,
each action.
I try to hide,
stay tightly wound,
but the tighter I hold onto me,
the weaker I become.
And it takes nothing for You
to come and unravel my heart
and I become nothing
but a mess of string at Your feet.
Yet how gracious is Your love.
You pick me up
and like a tapestry,
you weave me into the story
you have written.

Moments

2008-05-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, my run was late. I like late night runs in the spring/summer because it stays light out so long here. Afterward I went to the park to stretch out. I layed down in the soft full grass and streched my arms way out. When was the last time you did that? It felt so good to lie there and feel the grass and look up at the sky and listen to the wind in the trees. I thought about the Lord and how good he is and how thankful I am for Him.

In little ways I hear your song
singing in my soul,
I close my eyes and wait on you
for in you I am whole.

The following verse has nothing to do with any of that but it touched me this week...

Psalm 119:26 "I have declared my ways and opened my griefs to You, and you listened to me; teach me your statutes.

How tender the Lord is with us...He listens to our griefs and then He teaches us His ways. Beautiful and I want more.

The Lie of Dissatisfaction and the Truth about Contentment

2008-04-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

Something I've been meditating on...

Matthew 6:33

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

These words of Jesus keep washing over me. Whenever my flesh wants to rise up in selfishness I want His words and His spirit to rise over me in remembrance of this scripture. I have so much freedom and I take it for granted.

Freedom with my time.
Freedom with my money.
Freedom with where I go.
Freedom with what I do.

The grass is not greener on the other side!

Yet, my flesh is never satisfied. And you know what? It never will be, because it's my flesh.
That's why we are told in Galatians 5:22-24 to live by the Spirit! And who's Spirit would that be? The Holy Spirit.

The Spirit of Love.
The Spirit of Joy.
The Spirit of Peace.
The Spirit of Patience.
The Spirit of Kindness.
The Spirit of Goodness
The Spirit of Faithfulness.
The Spirit of Gentleness.
And
The Spirit of Self-Control......

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh (the godless human nature) with it's passions and appetites and desires."

Tell me this! If we are called according to his design and purpose (Romans 8:28) (and we are) what room is there for dissatisfaction with the portion He has given us for today? None, as far as I'm concerned.

Lord, Give me (give us!) deeper revelation of your Truth and satisfaction in You alone. Amen!

First Fruits

2008-04-01T15:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can feel You, near me when I pray.
Sometimes I can see You in the beauty of the day.
Sometimes I can sense You, in the middle of the night.
Though I sleep alone in bed I'm warmed in Your delight.

Sometimes when I'm crying, I know You're crying too.
Sometimes when I'm laughing, I laugh because of You.
Sometimes when I'm lonely, I know I'm not alone.
I know that you were lonely too...so far way from Home.

Someday when it's over, will You draw me near?
Will You whisper in my ear the words I long to hear?
"I'm so proud of you." I want to hear You say.
"I know it wasn't easy. But you listened and obeyed.
The time has come to celebrate. It's over and it's done.
Come enter My Kingdom child the battle has been won."

Boundry Lines

2008-02-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

Rising up out of the ditch.

That is what I have been trying to do for the past two days. Don't ask me how I got here. I still don't know. But for a long time I was having a terrible time trying to draw close to my Lord. I was miserable inside, for too long. I tend to feel as though my relationship with the Lord is like a rollercoaster and let me just tell you, I hate rollercoasters. My thought process is something like, "If I'm feeling good and doing good, then I must be good. (In the Lord's eyes)". Subsequently, if I'm feeling bad, and doing bad, or sin, then I'm just the baddest of the bad girls. This makes for a pretty miserable walk and I am so tired of it. Often though, I feel like I am too much "In My Head."

So two days ago I forced myself to read my Bible. Really read it and I have come to realize this, I love boundaries. Inside I am always wanting to know what's right with the Lord. "God am I following you?" Is the question I ask myself time and time again. This time is no different. And here is what I read....

1 John 1:9

If we freely admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to his own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought and action.]

and continuing in 1 John 2:1

My little children, I write you these things so that you may not sin. But if anyone should sin, we have an Advocate (One who will intercede for us) with the Father- [it is] Jesus Christ [the all] righteous. And He (Jesus) is the propitiation (atoning sacrifice) for our sins and not for ours alone but also for the sins of the whole world. (Amplified)

The title of the post is Boundary Lines. What does this have to do with Boundaries? Jesus is my boundary. When I cross the line, He will pull me back if I am willing to look. And then I love this in verse 3...

"And this is how we may discern [daily, by experience] that we are coming to know Him [to perceive,recognize, understand and become better acquainted with Him]: if we keep (bear in mind, observe, practice) His teachings (precepts, commandments).

God help me. There is a reason why this scripture starts out as "My little children". It is because children need boundary lines. They need them to know what is right and how to live and conductive themselves. We are no different.

I realize that when I feel "bound" it is because I don't know my boundary lines, or I have simply forgotten them. So, God is faithful in His word to straighten me out.

"God help me to keep my head out of the sand and in your Word, so that I may think right and think straight and not give a hold to condemnation. Thank you Jesus."

Out of Words

2008-02-26T23:27:00.000-08:00

Hello?
Are you still there Lord?
Can you hear me?
I'm the one in the corner who has stopped talking.
I don't know why and I don't know how to start again.

(sniff) I'm sorry....

For Him that I love

2008-01-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

His Presence has come.
On a song and in the melody of my voice to you,
you heard me sing.
The song of my heart, the song of the Bride.
In thanksgiving you heard.
In these tears of joy you draw near.
How lovely is the Presence of the King.
How full is the atmosphere of your love.
In prayer, I speak to you my concerns.
In peace you settle my heart.
In promise you assure me through your word,
And in praise I will whisper Your Name.

He disciplines those He loves...

2007-12-25T19:28:00.000-08:00

You know, I'd like to think that I'm a nice person. That I'm patient with people and willing to not need the last word. But you know, the Bible says that we are not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought.

I'm beginning to think that i have it easy in Seattle. There aren't too many, if any, people who know how to push my buttons or rub me the wrong way. Therefore, this makes me think that I'm pretty good at keeping a good attitude with others. However, I'm quickly reminded when I come home that this is not so. All the things that I can't stand about myself and I think I've got a handle of seem to float to the surface when I get around my family. This bothers me greatly. I think I was pretty oblivious to myself since I got home until today. During the few minutes I actually had to myself in prayer I became extremely convicted about my attitude.

"How can this be?!" I ask myself and the Lord. "I thought I was done being this way!" I think about the scripture that talks about the tongue...and who can tame it? It only makes me realize that I can do NO good thing in my own strength. That without prayer and asking the Lord to search my heart for any ways that are sinful that I may be unaware of, I will continue in the same dead ways.

Where would I be without you Holy Spirit? You are so faithful to convict and discipline those you love...in order that I may Live a lifestyle of Love.

A Simple Word that Packs a Punch. Forgiveness.

2007-11-23T09:20:00.000-08:00

There is a lot to be said for this little word, Forgiveness.
It sounds like such an easy thing to do. An easy thing to say. "I forgive you." Right?
Hmmmm...I kid myself to say yes. Especially when I'm hopping mad and I feel I have the right to be. Awhile ago, I experienced something of the sort. And I was so angry I just wanted to blast the person. But at least my reaction has changed over the years from blurting out exactly how I feel to taking the time to think things through and see what I need to do about myself before approaching the other person.

"Forgive them, Colleen." My friend said. "The first thing you need to do is forgive them in your heart." I knew she was right. No matter how justified I felt in my anger, I knew that I would not be justified before the Lord. How many times are we to forgive? "Seventy times seven." Jesus said. And then I thought of all the times I have come to the Lord and needed to ask for his forgiveness and grace and mercy ...too many to count and He forgives me every time. How then, dare I hold my anger over someones head? I cannot.

But I also knew that I was still so mad in my feelings, that I needed Him to give me the grace in order to forgive, because I just didn't have it in my own strength. So after mediating for awhile on this and His mercy and forgiveness over me in my life, I knew He would help me to let go. But for some reason, it wasn't enough to just confess it in my head. I had to say it out loud to myself so that my own ears heard it.

So I did it. I said it out loud to myself and meant it. Then didn't think much more about it. But I realized awhile later that the weight that was sitting on me had disappeared. There was no weight any more. Only peace. Peace in my soul and my flesh was shut up and had nothing to complain about.

Could I have done this on my own and meant it? No. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that my love for people runs out. But His love never does and when I drink from His well, there is always enough love to go around. His Love is powerful and I'm so glad that I can have it too.

Matthew 6:14 "Yes, if you forgive others for their sins, your Father in heaven will also forgive you for your sins. But if you do not forgive others, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins." --Jesus

Rock Steady

2007-11-05T14:05:00.000-08:00

I love that phrase. I know it's from an Aretha Franklin song but here's the juicy on that. (In my opinion) Nothing makes me wanna Rock Steady on life more than, not just knowing Jesus, but knowing that He's crazy abut me. ME! (And I know me...and I often feel like "Woah is me.")
I still can't grasp this. I don't think I ever will until I meet Him. But today, I feel like I got some revelation about something that I was actually praying for the opposite of. Nevertheless found myself reading in His Word a Truth that set me free. All I can say is that finding oneself content in Him has got to be one of the greatest blessings outside of Salvation. He IS my Rock that keeps me Steady. Rock On.

Psalm 19:14 "I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me."

How will I know?

2007-11-01T14:03:00.000-07:00

Something that truly concerns me...
My roommate was raised on a farm. She said once that if you were to look at just the face of a sheep and the face of a goat they are really quite similar. This got me thinking about the time I stayed on a friends farm. I went out into the fields to walk them alone and found myself wondering the difference between which were wheat and which were tares. It was hard to tell.

I have times where I sense an urgency within myself about something and I'm not quite sure what it is, but I know that it's a spiritual urgency. I have for the first time this year begun to ask myself a scary question. "How do I know if I am a sheep or a goat?" "How do I know that I am a wheat and not a tare?" How do we know these things if they are so similar? How do I really know if I really love God for the right reasons?

My brain feels so cramped by these thoughts, that I don't think I can write more on this subject...at least not yet, but one thing is for sure, I must pursue the answer.

Song with no Sound

2007-10-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

My heart aches for Your Song.
My soul longs for the distant melody of Heaven.
The sound I cannot hear.
Yet in my heart I know that it is playing.
How strange, to not hear with my ears.
Yet I hear with my heart.
I ignorantly search through my music collection, looking for the sound that I hear so that I can somehow match it in the flesh. But I cannot find the right music. I don't think it exists on earth. If it does, I haven't heard it yet. It's like I just know that you sing to me. You entice me by your love. You call me first. Then it's like I realize I've been sleeping. "Arise oh sleeper! Arise and shake yourself from the dust!" And I realized last night that I have been so thirsty for you. And I thirst for you all day. And I eat food, and I buy things, and listen to music and I have conversations...and I think that these are the things that I'm needing. And I do, but then you cause me to realize that really...I thirst continually for you.
Fill my mouth Lord.
Fill my cup.
Fill me up.
Let me overflow for your purpose.
Let me overflow for your people, your creation.
Your love is so beautiful to me.
As are You.

The Dream

2007-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

I had this dream once. I dreamt that a man came to take me out to dinner. He was taller than me and I had to look up to see his face, but I was shy because whenever I looked at him he was intensely looking at me, every time. So I never got a good look. I just remember that he was tall with dark hair, a beard and wavy hair that was nicely combed back.

He came to pick me up in a limousine and I remember feeling silly about how unnecessary it seemed to come and get me in something so fancy. Something you would only use for a special occasion. Nevertheless, we ended up at beautiful and elegant restaurant with a soft ambiance and I was looking at the prices of everything and remarked how expensive everything was and all the wine was expensive too.

I remember thinking how I couldn't afford anything there. But He said to me very matter of fact. “I’m ordering the best wine, so you might as well get whatever you want.” It was like his way of saying that money was no object of concern. All through dinner I was trying to divert my eyes from his because he kept staring at me. I kept looking at my plate and around the room. I kept having that feeling of “What are you looking at?” but I didn’t say anything.

After dinner, we got back in the limousine so he could take me home. I remember sitting next to the door and he was sitting in the middle next to me. He had his right arm around my shoulder. Then I remember thinking that I was being an idiot and this man was obviously crazy about me and I didn’t think I was worth it to him, but he did.
I remember thinking to myself that I didn’t want to let this man love me because I didn’t feel worth it, but he loved me anyway. So I decided that if he was going to love me regardless, then I wanted to allow myself to love him back.

It was hard for me to reach out to him emotionally but I did it anyway. I tentatively took my right arm and wrapped it around his side which caused me to lean into him. I realized he had been waiting for me to do this because upon doing so he immediately wrapped his left arm around me and embraced me in a hug. With my head under his chin I was compelled to look up at him one more time. I knew he wanted me too. As I tilted my head up he was already looking down at me with eyes filled with such love that I have never felt or seen before.

It was then that I awoke and upon sitting up in bed I realized…that it was Jesus.

The Good and the Bad

2007-10-13T12:56:00.000-07:00

In a world full of 'bad boys', it takes a lot of self control be a 'good girl'...and choose to stay one.

Saturated

2007-09-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

Saturate-to soak thoroughly: to treat or charge with something to the point where no more can be absorbed, dissolved or retained.

In essence, I suppose you could say that to saturate something is to completely make full. So full, that there is no more room for anything else to get in.

Question to self: Am I saturated in the Lord? Am I so full of Your love that there is no more room for anything else to penetrate my soul? Or if something else tries to penetrate my mind, will and emotions, am I so full in desiring you that whatever the "else" is that wants my attention, or attempts to temp me can't get in because there is no room to receive it?
Someone gave this analogy once..."Imagine you are at a Thanksgiving dinner and you ate everything to your hears content. From appetizer to dessert you ate all you could. Then you go to visit at someone else's house on the way home and they serve you the most delicious desserts that you love, but even the sight of it is too much because you are so full already. You will not eat anymore."

Well Lord I wonder, why am I not more this way with you. It seems that I always have a little bit room for something "extra". A little extra sin, or sometimes a full darn serving is what I reach for it seems. I don not want to be this way. I want to be so saturated with you that there is no room for anything else...even when tempted.

Even now, if I focus on myself while desiring you, I'll still be focusing on fixing me! Help me abandon myself in you. Desiring to be so full of You so that there is no room anything else, except focusing on You and what you want...
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself."

Honesty to You

2007-09-22T17:50:00.001-07:00

Father-

I read Matthew 6:33 saying....
"Seek first God's Kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met."
Wow. Lord , I read this to myself and I see how even in this simple Saturday, I seek for myself. What I want. Then I read these words of yours and realize how easy I flip-flop my life to try and serve my needs. My thoughts always run so far ahead of me without giving any heed to considering yours. God forgive me. Lord, in this life I feel like I desire so much and receive so little. And yet, you are always there. Are you not always waiting to show me something new and exciting? Yet here I am in earthly time, always wanting and longing for more. Are you not "more than enough for me"(? )Like that song says. I sing those lyrics from Hill-Song. But do I believe it? Do I believe you? DO I believe that your words are true? Did you not say that when you came back you would be looking to find people who had faith in you?

I feel the battle between flesh and spirit everyday, Lord. The battle over laziness, the battle over fear of man. The battle over Lust. The battle over depression and self pity....seems at times, exhausting day in and day out. Where is my reprieve?
"Where does my help come from? My help come from THE LORD! The maker of heaven and earth." But do I go to you for my help? It seems so often not. I'm not sure why Lord. How stupid. Did you not say that "My people perish for lack of knowledge." Lack of knowledge of God! and it's not your fault that I wollow in the mire of my own mess. Thoughts, feelings, circumstances and Blah Blah Blah.................... Help me Father to draw closer to you. To desire you more. Even now.

Narrow

2007-09-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling that the "narrow road" is actually more narrow than I thought.

Hope

2007-08-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

How is it that You know
everything You do?
How is it, You find me beautiful
when my eyes are black and blue.
Too many punches from an iron fist,
How long till I'm able to stand,
How long till I can resist?
How long till perservence pays off?
How long till "I obey"
is the only given answer,
You ever hear me say?
Jesus in the desert,
satan tempted with his best.
Though hungry, tired and thirsty
Jesus passed His test.
I have no excuse to fail,
yet fail in fact I do.
It seems the things You say to me,
I don't believe they're true.
There has got to be release
of the chaos in my head.
There has got to be a turn around.
I can't be left for dead.
There has got to be a faith
hiding somwhere in my heart.
To believe the things you say to me,
Though this silence seems so dark.
I want to take You at your word.
I want faith to come!
Please give me grace to believe,
'till Your work in me is done.

People or Things That We Should Love

2007-06-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

Children with dirty hands and faces.
An old person's tears.
A teenager with bad acne. (that was me.)
The snobby wealthy person who's broken on the inside.
The snobby poor person who's too prideful to accept your help.
The driver on I 405 who just gave me the finger.
The ugliest person you ever met.
The sickest person you ever met.
Rude customer service people.
Inconsiderate people.
Noisy neighbors (Lord, help me.)
Lonely people
Our parents.
Yourself.
The Lord, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

(I know there's more. This is just what comes to mind at the moment.)

On Time

2007-06-20T15:25:00.000-07:00

Life is not a cake walk.
When I was young, I was naive.
Falling into another decade changed that.
Some of us are late bloomers. (I.E. me)
I always was.
Late to walk because I was afraid to stumble.
Late into adolescence, because I was afraid to change.
Late into adulthood, because I was afraid to grow up.
Are you late too?
I became easily frustrated.
I always imagined my life as a race
and I'm choking in everyone's dust.
Yet!
If the Lord fashioned me (and He did)
And He is never early, nor late...
then I suppose I'm right were I'm supposed to be
with Him.
Not according to the world,
not even according to me.
If you let the dust clear,
you will stop choking.
When you stop choking,
you will catch your breath.
And when you breath
you will realize it's not about
the accolades of men.
It's not about comparison,
for you are like no other.
Your race is your own.
and all along the way,
there is someone cheering you on. (Jesus)
And at the end, there is someone waiting to catch you...(Jesus)
If you let Him.
If you look to Him.
If you call to him.
And at the end, you will be...

Right On Time.

Dancing Christians

2007-06-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Dancing Show!
This is where the Christians go,
when they are captive
and do not know.
Held in cages
with no bars.
You can even
see their scars.
They dance to pretend
they do not know.
They avoid the healing
they need to grow.
How is it all this I know?
I used to perform
in the dancing show.

Sleeping Babes

2007-06-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

The other day I was babysitting for a friend. While the baby was asleep, I went in to check on her. I looked at her and then I hesitated and took another look. I stood there and simply watched her sleep and listened to her baby breaths. Now I don't have any children yet, but I do love this little one and as I watched her I realized that she has no idea how much she is loved. She has no idea how much I care. No idea how pleasent it was just to observe her sleeping.
Then as I thoughtfully watched her the idea occured to me that that is how the Lord feels about His own. Yet how much more...He adores His children. And takes great delight when we not only sleep, but Rest in Him. He hears my heart beat, He hears me breathe and He knows what I dream.
I realize this is no super observation, rather just a sweet thought about how He loves His children and how He loves me.
Psalm 42:8 Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

Reflections

2007-06-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Here I sit.
Here I wait.
Here I stay.
Here I hear.
I hear you singing in my heart.
It is always Your Song.
Sometimes I think I am deaf.
But that is only when I am cold.
Without your grace, for sure that's how I would stay.
But Grace...
Grace you give.
Mercy.
Mercy that triumphs over judgement.
Splendid Golden Mercies.
What would I be without you God?
What would I do without your love?
The love that you so sweetly and lavishly give me.
Jesus you adorn me with Purity.
It is only you.
I owe you it all.
All of me.
All of my life.
Thankful.
My heart cries and weeps with thankful tears
for you...My King.
My Jesus.
My Love,
Love me.
Naked, poor and filthy was I for sure.
God let not my heart deceive me even as I write you these words.
But create in me a clean heart.
A willingness to repent and be yielded to you.
Forever more...forever more.

Water

2007-06-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

Here it comes again.
Here comes the swell
and I'm going under.
Wave after wave washes me.
You terrify and amaze me.
I yearn for you in my heart.
Yearn for your realness.
Yet I struggle with an indifferent flesh.
A loud flesh.
A strong flesh.
Sweet Living Spirit please wash me.
I want to be soaking wet in your waters
of Life and Joy.
Let my flesh be as the sand under my feet.
Let my spirit be as thick and full
as the weight of your waters over me and surrounding me.
Let me know you now.
Give me reverence for your ability to throw a tidal wave.
And yet joy in knowing your tide can curve slowly and smooth.
Peace.
Peace my soul,
for you are the fount of Living Waters
and I am soaking you in.