He disciplines those He loves...

You know, I'd like to think that I'm a nice person. That I'm patient with people and willing to not need the last word. But you know, the Bible says that we are not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought.

I'm beginning to think that i have it easy in Seattle. There aren't too many, if any, people who know how to push my buttons or rub me the wrong way. Therefore, this makes me think that I'm pretty good at keeping a good attitude with others. However, I'm quickly reminded when I come home that this is not so. All the things that I can't stand about myself and I think I've got a handle of seem to float to the surface when I get around my family. This bothers me greatly. I think I was pretty oblivious to myself since I got home until today. During the few minutes I actually had to myself in prayer I became extremely convicted about my attitude.

"How can this be?!" I ask myself and the Lord. "I thought I was done being this way!" I think about the scripture that talks about the tongue...and who can tame it? It only makes me realize that I can do NO good thing in my own strength. That without prayer and asking the Lord to search my heart for any ways that are sinful that I may be unaware of, I will continue in the same dead ways.

Where would I be without you Holy Spirit? You are so faithful to convict and discipline those you love...in order that I may Live a lifestyle of Love.

A Simple Word that Packs a Punch. Forgiveness.

There is a lot to be said for this little word, Forgiveness.
It sounds like such an easy thing to do. An easy thing to say. "I forgive you." Right?
Hmmmm...I kid myself to say yes. Especially when I'm hopping mad and I feel I have the right to be. Awhile ago, I experienced something of the sort. And I was so angry I just wanted to blast the person. But at least my reaction has changed over the years from blurting out exactly how I feel to taking the time to think things through and see what I need to do about myself before approaching the other person.

"Forgive them, Colleen." My friend said. "The first thing you need to do is forgive them in your heart." I knew she was right. No matter how justified I felt in my anger, I knew that I would not be justified before the Lord. How many times are we to forgive? "Seventy times seven." Jesus said. And then I thought of all the times I have come to the Lord and needed to ask for his forgiveness and grace and mercy ...too many to count and He forgives me every time. How then, dare I hold my anger over someones head? I cannot.

But I also knew that I was still so mad in my feelings, that I needed Him to give me the grace in order to forgive, because I just didn't have it in my own strength. So after mediating for awhile on this and His mercy and forgiveness over me in my life, I knew He would help me to let go. But for some reason, it wasn't enough to just confess it in my head. I had to say it out loud to myself so that my own ears heard it.

So I did it. I said it out loud to myself and meant it. Then didn't think much more about it. But I realized awhile later that the weight that was sitting on me had disappeared. There was no weight any more. Only peace. Peace in my soul and my flesh was shut up and had nothing to complain about.

Could I have done this on my own and meant it? No. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that my love for people runs out. But His love never does and when I drink from His well, there is always enough love to go around. His Love is powerful and I'm so glad that I can have it too.

Matthew 6:14 "Yes, if you forgive others for their sins, your Father in heaven will also forgive you for your sins. But if you do not forgive others, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins." --Jesus

Rock Steady

I love that phrase. I know it's from an Aretha Franklin song but here's the juicy on that. (In my opinion) Nothing makes me wanna Rock Steady on life more than, not just knowing Jesus, but knowing that He's crazy abut me. ME! (And I know me...and I often feel like "Woah is me.")
I still can't grasp this. I don't think I ever will until I meet Him. But today, I feel like I got some revelation about something that I was actually praying for the opposite of. Nevertheless found myself reading in His Word a Truth that set me free. All I can say is that finding oneself content in Him has got to be one of the greatest blessings outside of Salvation. He IS my Rock that keeps me Steady. Rock On.

Psalm 19:14 "I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me."

How will I know?

Something that truly concerns me...
My roommate was raised on a farm. She said once that if you were to look at just the face of a sheep and the face of a goat they are really quite similar. This got me thinking about the time I stayed on a friends farm. I went out into the fields to walk them alone and found myself wondering the difference between which were wheat and which were tares. It was hard to tell.

I have times where I sense an urgency within myself about something and I'm not quite sure what it is, but I know that it's a spiritual urgency. I have for the first time this year begun to ask myself a scary question. "How do I know if I am a sheep or a goat?" "How do I know that I am a wheat and not a tare?" How do we know these things if they are so similar? How do I really know if I really love God for the right reasons?

My brain feels so cramped by these thoughts, that I don't think I can write more on this subject...at least not yet, but one thing is for sure, I must pursue the answer.

Song with no Sound

My heart aches for Your Song.
My soul longs for the distant melody of Heaven.
The sound I cannot hear.
Yet in my heart I know that it is playing.
How strange, to not hear with my ears.
Yet I hear with my heart.
I ignorantly search through my music collection, looking for the sound that I hear so that I can somehow match it in the flesh. But I cannot find the right music. I don't think it exists on earth. If it does, I haven't heard it yet. It's like I just know that you sing to me. You entice me by your love. You call me first. Then it's like I realize I've been sleeping. "Arise oh sleeper! Arise and shake yourself from the dust!" And I realized last night that I have been so thirsty for you. And I thirst for you all day. And I eat food, and I buy things, and listen to music and I have conversations...and I think that these are the things that I'm needing. And I do, but then you cause me to realize that really...I thirst continually for you.
Fill my mouth Lord.
Fill my cup.
Fill me up.
Let me overflow for your purpose.
Let me overflow for your people, your creation.
Your love is so beautiful to me.
As are You.

The Dream

I had this dream once. I dreamt that a man came to take me out to dinner. He was taller than me and I had to look up to see his face, but I was shy because whenever I looked at him he was intensely looking at me, every time. So I never got a good look. I just remember that he was tall with dark hair, a beard and wavy hair that was nicely combed back.

He came to pick me up in a limousine and I remember feeling silly about how unnecessary it seemed to come and get me in something so fancy. Something you would only use for a special occasion. Nevertheless, we ended up at beautiful and elegant restaurant with a soft ambiance and I was looking at the prices of everything and remarked how expensive everything was and all the wine was expensive too.

I remember thinking how I couldn't afford anything there. But He said to me very matter of fact. “I’m ordering the best wine, so you might as well get whatever you want.” It was like his way of saying that money was no object of concern. All through dinner I was trying to divert my eyes from his because he kept staring at me. I kept looking at my plate and around the room. I kept having that feeling of “What are you looking at?” but I didn’t say anything.

After dinner, we got back in the limousine so he could take me home. I remember sitting next to the door and he was sitting in the middle next to me. He had his right arm around my shoulder. Then I remember thinking that I was being an idiot and this man was obviously crazy about me and I didn’t think I was worth it to him, but he did.
I remember thinking to myself that I didn’t want to let this man love me because I didn’t feel worth it, but he loved me anyway. So I decided that if he was going to love me regardless, then I wanted to allow myself to love him back.

It was hard for me to reach out to him emotionally but I did it anyway. I tentatively took my right arm and wrapped it around his side which caused me to lean into him. I realized he had been waiting for me to do this because upon doing so he immediately wrapped his left arm around me and embraced me in a hug. With my head under his chin I was compelled to look up at him one more time. I knew he wanted me too. As I tilted my head up he was already looking down at me with eyes filled with such love that I have never felt or seen before.

It was then that I awoke and upon sitting up in bed I realized…that it was Jesus.

The Good and the Bad

In a world full of 'bad boys', it takes a lot of self control be a 'good girl'...and choose to stay one.

Saturated

Saturate-to soak thoroughly: to treat or charge with something to the point where no more can be absorbed, dissolved or retained.

In essence, I suppose you could say that to saturate something is to completely make full. So full, that there is no more room for anything else to get in.

Question to self: Am I saturated in the Lord? Am I so full of Your love that there is no more room for anything else to penetrate my soul? Or if something else tries to penetrate my mind, will and emotions, am I so full in desiring you that whatever the "else" is that wants my attention, or attempts to temp me can't get in because there is no room to receive it?
Someone gave this analogy once..."Imagine you are at a Thanksgiving dinner and you ate everything to your hears content. From appetizer to dessert you ate all you could. Then you go to visit at someone else's house on the way home and they serve you the most delicious desserts that you love, but even the sight of it is too much because you are so full already. You will not eat anymore."

Well Lord I wonder, why am I not more this way with you. It seems that I always have a little bit room for something "extra". A little extra sin, or sometimes a full darn serving is what I reach for it seems. I don not want to be this way. I want to be so saturated with you that there is no room for anything else...even when tempted.

Even now, if I focus on myself while desiring you, I'll still be focusing on fixing me! Help me abandon myself in you. Desiring to be so full of You so that there is no room anything else, except focusing on You and what you want...
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself."

Honesty to You

Father-

I read Matthew 6:33 saying....
"Seek first God's Kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met."
Wow. Lord , I read this to myself and I see how even in this simple Saturday, I seek for myself. What I want. Then I read these words of yours and realize how easy I flip-flop my life to try and serve my needs. My thoughts always run so far ahead of me without giving any heed to considering yours. God forgive me. Lord, in this life I feel like I desire so much and receive so little. And yet, you are always there. Are you not always waiting to show me something new and exciting? Yet here I am in earthly time, always wanting and longing for more. Are you not "more than enough for me"(? )Like that song says. I sing those lyrics from Hill-Song. But do I believe it? Do I believe you? DO I believe that your words are true? Did you not say that when you came back you would be looking to find people who had faith in you?

I feel the battle between flesh and spirit everyday, Lord. The battle over laziness, the battle over fear of man. The battle over Lust. The battle over depression and self pity....seems at times, exhausting day in and day out. Where is my reprieve?
"Where does my help come from? My help come from THE LORD! The maker of heaven and earth." But do I go to you for my help? It seems so often not. I'm not sure why Lord. How stupid. Did you not say that "My people perish for lack of knowledge." Lack of knowledge of God! and it's not your fault that I wollow in the mire of my own mess. Thoughts, feelings, circumstances and Blah Blah Blah.................... Help me Father to draw closer to you. To desire you more. Even now.

Narrow

I have a feeling that the "narrow road" is actually more narrow than I thought.

Hope

How is it that You know
everything You do?
How is it, You find me beautiful
when my eyes are black and blue.
Too many punches from an iron fist,
How long till I'm able to stand,
How long till I can resist?
How long till perservence pays off?
How long till "I obey"
is the only given answer,
You ever hear me say?
Jesus in the desert,
satan tempted with his best.
Though hungry, tired and thirsty
Jesus passed His test.
I have no excuse to fail,
yet fail in fact I do.
It seems the things You say to me,
I don't believe they're true.
There has got to be release
of the chaos in my head.
There has got to be a turn around.
I can't be left for dead.
There has got to be a faith
hiding somwhere in my heart.
To believe the things you say to me,
Though this silence seems so dark.
I want to take You at your word.
I want faith to come!
Please give me grace to believe,
'till Your work in me is done.

People or Things That We Should Love

Children with dirty hands and faces.
An old person's tears.
A teenager with bad acne. (that was me.)
The snobby wealthy person who's broken on the inside.
The snobby poor person who's too prideful to accept your help.
The driver on I 405 who just gave me the finger.
The ugliest person you ever met.
The sickest person you ever met.
Rude customer service people.
Inconsiderate people.
Noisy neighbors (Lord, help me.)
Lonely people
Our parents.
Yourself.
The Lord, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

(I know there's more. This is just what comes to mind at the moment.)

On Time

Life is not a cake walk.
When I was young, I was naive.
Falling into another decade changed that.
Some of us are late bloomers. (I.E. me)
I always was.
Late to walk because I was afraid to stumble.
Late into adolescence, because I was afraid to change.
Late into adulthood, because I was afraid to grow up.
Are you late too?
I became easily frustrated.
I always imagined my life as a race
and I'm choking in everyone's dust.
Yet!
If the Lord fashioned me (and He did)
And He is never early, nor late...
then I suppose I'm right were I'm supposed to be
with Him.
Not according to the world,
not even according to me.
If you let the dust clear,
you will stop choking.
When you stop choking,
you will catch your breath.
And when you breath
you will realize it's not about
the accolades of men.
It's not about comparison,
for you are like no other.
Your race is your own.
and all along the way,
there is someone cheering you on. (Jesus)
And at the end, there is someone waiting to catch you...(Jesus)
If you let Him.
If you look to Him.
If you call to him.
And at the end, you will be...

Right On Time.

Dancing Christians

Welcome to the Dancing Show!
This is where the Christians go,
when they are captive
and do not know.
Held in cages
with no bars.
You can even
see their scars.
They dance to pretend
they do not know.
They avoid the healing
they need to grow.
How is it all this I know?
I used to perform
in the dancing show.

Sleeping Babes

The other day I was babysitting for a friend. While the baby was asleep, I went in to check on her. I looked at her and then I hesitated and took another look. I stood there and simply watched her sleep and listened to her baby breaths. Now I don't have any children yet, but I do love this little one and as I watched her I realized that she has no idea how much she is loved. She has no idea how much I care. No idea how pleasent it was just to observe her sleeping.
Then as I thoughtfully watched her the idea occured to me that that is how the Lord feels about His own. Yet how much more...He adores His children. And takes great delight when we not only sleep, but Rest in Him. He hears my heart beat, He hears me breathe and He knows what I dream.
I realize this is no super observation, rather just a sweet thought about how He loves His children and how He loves me.
Psalm 42:8 Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

Reflections

Here I sit.
Here I wait.
Here I stay.
Here I hear.
I hear you singing in my heart.
It is always Your Song.
Sometimes I think I am deaf.
But that is only when I am cold.
Without your grace, for sure that's how I would stay.
But Grace...
Grace you give.
Mercy.
Mercy that triumphs over judgement.
Splendid Golden Mercies.
What would I be without you God?
What would I do without your love?
The love that you so sweetly and lavishly give me.
Jesus you adorn me with Purity.
It is only you.
I owe you it all.
All of me.
All of my life.
Thankful.
My heart cries and weeps with thankful tears
for you...My King.
My Jesus.
My Love,
Love me.
Naked, poor and filthy was I for sure.
God let not my heart deceive me even as I write you these words.
But create in me a clean heart.
A willingness to repent and be yielded to you.
Forever more...forever more.

Water

Here it comes again.
Here comes the swell
and I'm going under.
Wave after wave washes me.
You terrify and amaze me.
I yearn for you in my heart.
Yearn for your realness.
Yet I struggle with an indifferent flesh.
A loud flesh.
A strong flesh.
Sweet Living Spirit please wash me.
I want to be soaking wet in your waters
of Life and Joy.
Let my flesh be as the sand under my feet.
Let my spirit be as thick and full
as the weight of your waters over me and surrounding me.
Let me know you now.
Give me reverence for your ability to throw a tidal wave.
And yet joy in knowing your tide can curve slowly and smooth.
Peace.
Peace my soul,
for you are the fount of Living Waters
and I am soaking you in.