How will I know?

Something that truly concerns me...
My roommate was raised on a farm. She said once that if you were to look at just the face of a sheep and the face of a goat they are really quite similar. This got me thinking about the time I stayed on a friends farm. I went out into the fields to walk them alone and found myself wondering the difference between which were wheat and which were tares. It was hard to tell.

I have times where I sense an urgency within myself about something and I'm not quite sure what it is, but I know that it's a spiritual urgency. I have for the first time this year begun to ask myself a scary question. "How do I know if I am a sheep or a goat?" "How do I know that I am a wheat and not a tare?" How do we know these things if they are so similar? How do I really know if I really love God for the right reasons?

My brain feels so cramped by these thoughts, that I don't think I can write more on this subject...at least not yet, but one thing is for sure, I must pursue the answer.

Song with no Sound

My heart aches for Your Song.
My soul longs for the distant melody of Heaven.
The sound I cannot hear.
Yet in my heart I know that it is playing.
How strange, to not hear with my ears.
Yet I hear with my heart.
I ignorantly search through my music collection, looking for the sound that I hear so that I can somehow match it in the flesh. But I cannot find the right music. I don't think it exists on earth. If it does, I haven't heard it yet. It's like I just know that you sing to me. You entice me by your love. You call me first. Then it's like I realize I've been sleeping. "Arise oh sleeper! Arise and shake yourself from the dust!" And I realized last night that I have been so thirsty for you. And I thirst for you all day. And I eat food, and I buy things, and listen to music and I have conversations...and I think that these are the things that I'm needing. And I do, but then you cause me to realize that really...I thirst continually for you.
Fill my mouth Lord.
Fill my cup.
Fill me up.
Let me overflow for your purpose.
Let me overflow for your people, your creation.
Your love is so beautiful to me.
As are You.

The Dream

I had this dream once. I dreamt that a man came to take me out to dinner. He was taller than me and I had to look up to see his face, but I was shy because whenever I looked at him he was intensely looking at me, every time. So I never got a good look. I just remember that he was tall with dark hair, a beard and wavy hair that was nicely combed back.

He came to pick me up in a limousine and I remember feeling silly about how unnecessary it seemed to come and get me in something so fancy. Something you would only use for a special occasion. Nevertheless, we ended up at beautiful and elegant restaurant with a soft ambiance and I was looking at the prices of everything and remarked how expensive everything was and all the wine was expensive too.

I remember thinking how I couldn't afford anything there. But He said to me very matter of fact. “I’m ordering the best wine, so you might as well get whatever you want.” It was like his way of saying that money was no object of concern. All through dinner I was trying to divert my eyes from his because he kept staring at me. I kept looking at my plate and around the room. I kept having that feeling of “What are you looking at?” but I didn’t say anything.

After dinner, we got back in the limousine so he could take me home. I remember sitting next to the door and he was sitting in the middle next to me. He had his right arm around my shoulder. Then I remember thinking that I was being an idiot and this man was obviously crazy about me and I didn’t think I was worth it to him, but he did.
I remember thinking to myself that I didn’t want to let this man love me because I didn’t feel worth it, but he loved me anyway. So I decided that if he was going to love me regardless, then I wanted to allow myself to love him back.

It was hard for me to reach out to him emotionally but I did it anyway. I tentatively took my right arm and wrapped it around his side which caused me to lean into him. I realized he had been waiting for me to do this because upon doing so he immediately wrapped his left arm around me and embraced me in a hug. With my head under his chin I was compelled to look up at him one more time. I knew he wanted me too. As I tilted my head up he was already looking down at me with eyes filled with such love that I have never felt or seen before.

It was then that I awoke and upon sitting up in bed I realized…that it was Jesus.

The Good and the Bad

In a world full of 'bad boys', it takes a lot of self control be a 'good girl'...and choose to stay one.

Saturated

Saturate-to soak thoroughly: to treat or charge with something to the point where no more can be absorbed, dissolved or retained.

In essence, I suppose you could say that to saturate something is to completely make full. So full, that there is no more room for anything else to get in.

Question to self: Am I saturated in the Lord? Am I so full of Your love that there is no more room for anything else to penetrate my soul? Or if something else tries to penetrate my mind, will and emotions, am I so full in desiring you that whatever the "else" is that wants my attention, or attempts to temp me can't get in because there is no room to receive it?
Someone gave this analogy once..."Imagine you are at a Thanksgiving dinner and you ate everything to your hears content. From appetizer to dessert you ate all you could. Then you go to visit at someone else's house on the way home and they serve you the most delicious desserts that you love, but even the sight of it is too much because you are so full already. You will not eat anymore."

Well Lord I wonder, why am I not more this way with you. It seems that I always have a little bit room for something "extra". A little extra sin, or sometimes a full darn serving is what I reach for it seems. I don not want to be this way. I want to be so saturated with you that there is no room for anything else...even when tempted.

Even now, if I focus on myself while desiring you, I'll still be focusing on fixing me! Help me abandon myself in you. Desiring to be so full of You so that there is no room anything else, except focusing on You and what you want...
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and love your neighbor as yourself."

Honesty to You

Father-

I read Matthew 6:33 saying....
"Seek first God's Kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met."
Wow. Lord , I read this to myself and I see how even in this simple Saturday, I seek for myself. What I want. Then I read these words of yours and realize how easy I flip-flop my life to try and serve my needs. My thoughts always run so far ahead of me without giving any heed to considering yours. God forgive me. Lord, in this life I feel like I desire so much and receive so little. And yet, you are always there. Are you not always waiting to show me something new and exciting? Yet here I am in earthly time, always wanting and longing for more. Are you not "more than enough for me"(? )Like that song says. I sing those lyrics from Hill-Song. But do I believe it? Do I believe you? DO I believe that your words are true? Did you not say that when you came back you would be looking to find people who had faith in you?

I feel the battle between flesh and spirit everyday, Lord. The battle over laziness, the battle over fear of man. The battle over Lust. The battle over depression and self pity....seems at times, exhausting day in and day out. Where is my reprieve?
"Where does my help come from? My help come from THE LORD! The maker of heaven and earth." But do I go to you for my help? It seems so often not. I'm not sure why Lord. How stupid. Did you not say that "My people perish for lack of knowledge." Lack of knowledge of God! and it's not your fault that I wollow in the mire of my own mess. Thoughts, feelings, circumstances and Blah Blah Blah.................... Help me Father to draw closer to you. To desire you more. Even now.

Narrow

I have a feeling that the "narrow road" is actually more narrow than I thought.