For Him that I love

His Presence has come.
On a song and in the melody of my voice to you,
you heard me sing.
The song of my heart, the song of the Bride.
In thanksgiving you heard.
In these tears of joy you draw near.
How lovely is the Presence of the King.
How full is the atmosphere of your love.
In prayer, I speak to you my concerns.
In peace you settle my heart.
In promise you assure me through your word,
And in praise I will whisper Your Name.

He disciplines those He loves...

You know, I'd like to think that I'm a nice person. That I'm patient with people and willing to not need the last word. But you know, the Bible says that we are not to think more highly of ourselves than we ought.

I'm beginning to think that i have it easy in Seattle. There aren't too many, if any, people who know how to push my buttons or rub me the wrong way. Therefore, this makes me think that I'm pretty good at keeping a good attitude with others. However, I'm quickly reminded when I come home that this is not so. All the things that I can't stand about myself and I think I've got a handle of seem to float to the surface when I get around my family. This bothers me greatly. I think I was pretty oblivious to myself since I got home until today. During the few minutes I actually had to myself in prayer I became extremely convicted about my attitude.

"How can this be?!" I ask myself and the Lord. "I thought I was done being this way!" I think about the scripture that talks about the tongue...and who can tame it? It only makes me realize that I can do NO good thing in my own strength. That without prayer and asking the Lord to search my heart for any ways that are sinful that I may be unaware of, I will continue in the same dead ways.

Where would I be without you Holy Spirit? You are so faithful to convict and discipline those you love...in order that I may Live a lifestyle of Love.

A Simple Word that Packs a Punch. Forgiveness.

There is a lot to be said for this little word, Forgiveness.
It sounds like such an easy thing to do. An easy thing to say. "I forgive you." Right?
Hmmmm...I kid myself to say yes. Especially when I'm hopping mad and I feel I have the right to be. Awhile ago, I experienced something of the sort. And I was so angry I just wanted to blast the person. But at least my reaction has changed over the years from blurting out exactly how I feel to taking the time to think things through and see what I need to do about myself before approaching the other person.

"Forgive them, Colleen." My friend said. "The first thing you need to do is forgive them in your heart." I knew she was right. No matter how justified I felt in my anger, I knew that I would not be justified before the Lord. How many times are we to forgive? "Seventy times seven." Jesus said. And then I thought of all the times I have come to the Lord and needed to ask for his forgiveness and grace and mercy ...too many to count and He forgives me every time. How then, dare I hold my anger over someones head? I cannot.

But I also knew that I was still so mad in my feelings, that I needed Him to give me the grace in order to forgive, because I just didn't have it in my own strength. So after mediating for awhile on this and His mercy and forgiveness over me in my life, I knew He would help me to let go. But for some reason, it wasn't enough to just confess it in my head. I had to say it out loud to myself so that my own ears heard it.

So I did it. I said it out loud to myself and meant it. Then didn't think much more about it. But I realized awhile later that the weight that was sitting on me had disappeared. There was no weight any more. Only peace. Peace in my soul and my flesh was shut up and had nothing to complain about.

Could I have done this on my own and meant it? No. If there's one thing I've learned about myself it's that my love for people runs out. But His love never does and when I drink from His well, there is always enough love to go around. His Love is powerful and I'm so glad that I can have it too.

Matthew 6:14 "Yes, if you forgive others for their sins, your Father in heaven will also forgive you for your sins. But if you do not forgive others, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins." --Jesus

Rock Steady

I love that phrase. I know it's from an Aretha Franklin song but here's the juicy on that. (In my opinion) Nothing makes me wanna Rock Steady on life more than, not just knowing Jesus, but knowing that He's crazy abut me. ME! (And I know me...and I often feel like "Woah is me.")
I still can't grasp this. I don't think I ever will until I meet Him. But today, I feel like I got some revelation about something that I was actually praying for the opposite of. Nevertheless found myself reading in His Word a Truth that set me free. All I can say is that finding oneself content in Him has got to be one of the greatest blessings outside of Salvation. He IS my Rock that keeps me Steady. Rock On.

Psalm 19:14 "I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me."

How will I know?

Something that truly concerns me...
My roommate was raised on a farm. She said once that if you were to look at just the face of a sheep and the face of a goat they are really quite similar. This got me thinking about the time I stayed on a friends farm. I went out into the fields to walk them alone and found myself wondering the difference between which were wheat and which were tares. It was hard to tell.

I have times where I sense an urgency within myself about something and I'm not quite sure what it is, but I know that it's a spiritual urgency. I have for the first time this year begun to ask myself a scary question. "How do I know if I am a sheep or a goat?" "How do I know that I am a wheat and not a tare?" How do we know these things if they are so similar? How do I really know if I really love God for the right reasons?

My brain feels so cramped by these thoughts, that I don't think I can write more on this subject...at least not yet, but one thing is for sure, I must pursue the answer.

Song with no Sound

My heart aches for Your Song.
My soul longs for the distant melody of Heaven.
The sound I cannot hear.
Yet in my heart I know that it is playing.
How strange, to not hear with my ears.
Yet I hear with my heart.
I ignorantly search through my music collection, looking for the sound that I hear so that I can somehow match it in the flesh. But I cannot find the right music. I don't think it exists on earth. If it does, I haven't heard it yet. It's like I just know that you sing to me. You entice me by your love. You call me first. Then it's like I realize I've been sleeping. "Arise oh sleeper! Arise and shake yourself from the dust!" And I realized last night that I have been so thirsty for you. And I thirst for you all day. And I eat food, and I buy things, and listen to music and I have conversations...and I think that these are the things that I'm needing. And I do, but then you cause me to realize that really...I thirst continually for you.
Fill my mouth Lord.
Fill my cup.
Fill me up.
Let me overflow for your purpose.
Let me overflow for your people, your creation.
Your love is so beautiful to me.
As are You.

The Dream

I had this dream once. I dreamt that a man came to take me out to dinner. He was taller than me and I had to look up to see his face, but I was shy because whenever I looked at him he was intensely looking at me, every time. So I never got a good look. I just remember that he was tall with dark hair, a beard and wavy hair that was nicely combed back.

He came to pick me up in a limousine and I remember feeling silly about how unnecessary it seemed to come and get me in something so fancy. Something you would only use for a special occasion. Nevertheless, we ended up at beautiful and elegant restaurant with a soft ambiance and I was looking at the prices of everything and remarked how expensive everything was and all the wine was expensive too.

I remember thinking how I couldn't afford anything there. But He said to me very matter of fact. “I’m ordering the best wine, so you might as well get whatever you want.” It was like his way of saying that money was no object of concern. All through dinner I was trying to divert my eyes from his because he kept staring at me. I kept looking at my plate and around the room. I kept having that feeling of “What are you looking at?” but I didn’t say anything.

After dinner, we got back in the limousine so he could take me home. I remember sitting next to the door and he was sitting in the middle next to me. He had his right arm around my shoulder. Then I remember thinking that I was being an idiot and this man was obviously crazy about me and I didn’t think I was worth it to him, but he did.
I remember thinking to myself that I didn’t want to let this man love me because I didn’t feel worth it, but he loved me anyway. So I decided that if he was going to love me regardless, then I wanted to allow myself to love him back.

It was hard for me to reach out to him emotionally but I did it anyway. I tentatively took my right arm and wrapped it around his side which caused me to lean into him. I realized he had been waiting for me to do this because upon doing so he immediately wrapped his left arm around me and embraced me in a hug. With my head under his chin I was compelled to look up at him one more time. I knew he wanted me too. As I tilted my head up he was already looking down at me with eyes filled with such love that I have never felt or seen before.

It was then that I awoke and upon sitting up in bed I realized…that it was Jesus.