Not Here

Hello there. If you are looking for me, I've moved! Come and check out my new place HERE.

Taste Test

I want to taste Your Spirit.
I'm tired of the immitation.
I'm beginning to taste the difference.
If I ever tasted Your Spirit before,
I forgot.
I want to taste Your Spirit once more.

Late Bloomer

House? no
Degree? not yet
Married? no
Kids? no


And I bet you think I'm ugly and maybe I am. I realize what that looks like to the world. Question. Did Jesus have any of those things at my age (thirtysomething?) No. Was he pursuing those things? No. Was he worried about finding those things? No. Was he handsome? Not according to Isaiah 53:2. His only desire was the will of the Father who sent Him. Whether people believe in Jesus or not, He was is and always will be the most influential person that ever walked the face of this earth. Jesus. A man with no house. No car. No job. No wife or kids to brag about. The Bible says that God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. I know to the world I might look like a foolish, unsuccessful girl with nothing to show for her life in practical terms.

Then again....Noah built a humongous boat in the middle of the desert because it was going to "rain" and people didn't even know what rain was yet.

Abraham held his most beloved son at knife point because God wanted to know that Abraham held nothing more dear to him then God himself.

Sweet John the Baptist ran around in a loin cloth, and ate honey and locusts yet God used Him to reveal the Son of Man to the world.

Gideon was hiding in a wine press because he was a cowardly man and God called him out to defeat the Midianites after splitting Gideon's army by more than half.

These men did not get so caught up living in the here and now. Striving for success, fame or fortune. They lived with a much greater perspective. An eternal perspective.
Maybe I will one day have those things on that little list above. Maybe I won't. After all, the Bible also says that those who seek to find their life will lose it but those who lose their life for His sake will find it. Isn't that something we all really want anyway? To get a life? To find our calling? To find our purpose? I know I do. But I also know that finding that purpose outside of knowing Him intimatly is like trying to build a house and laboring in vain to try at all if it's not according to His will and purpose.

These "silly" men are some of the most famous men in history, not to mention successful, because they fulfilled the roles God called them too, as opposed to seeking their own agenda and missing the mark. In giving up everything, they received everything. Not necessarily on this earth, but for sure in the sweet hereafter...

I know those men hit the target. They hit the bulls eye, in the most unusual ways.

So here's my question, what are you aiming at today?

In the middle of the night...

I was in a sound sleep. Then I heard a very clear knocking. Three knocks to be exact. It startled me wide awake and I let out a gasp. I felt a little bit fearful. Was someone at the door? I didn't move and waited for the knocking to happen again. Nothing. Then I wondered if it came from the guy who lives down below; my window was open, so maybe that's what I heard. But nothing. Only the silence of the night and fan blowing in my room.

Strange little things have been happening to my roommate lately. The Lord called her name out of a sound sleep and called her clearly. That's never happened to her or me or anyone else I know before. So I couldn't help but wonder if it was the Lord knocking. But that seemed silly to me. Maybe I just made it up in my head because of the things that were happening to her. However the reason I was now wide awake was because I heard a very clear and loud knocking. I laid in bed, just listening and thinking about Him until I fell back to sleep.

This morning I kept thinking about the knocking and feeling kind of crazy still. I wondered what the bible had to say about "knocking". I though of the scripture where Jesus says in Revelation 3:20

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

Now although I love that scripture, I don't believe that was what the Lord was trying to tell me.

But then I found this in the Song of Solomon 5:2

"[ Beloved ] I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My lover is knocking: "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night." (italics added)

Uh, woah. I mean that's pretty heavy stuff. Maybe that's not for me. I don't want to just start pulling scripture out of context, but it's kind of ironic to me that what I heard last night is directly in scripture, in the Song of Songs, of all mushy places.

Awhile back I asked the Lord, "Would you please make me feel special? I don't feel special to anyone, and I need to feel special."

Honestly, I find the words to that scripture pretty overwhelming and intense. Who talks like that anyway? Um, apparently God does and if husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church then that's a pretty special love thing...

Empty Cups

Empty Cups, they clang together.
We sit in the four walls and clang our empty cups like children;
looking to the people to the left, to the right, to the guy up in front.
"Can you fill it?" We ask each other.
"Can you?" They ask of me.
No.
No one can fill the empty cups.
Everyone is hungry, or so I assume.
But who then will fill the empty cups?
What did I come here for?
What is it that I want?
I hear a bunch of noisy children clanging their empty cups.
How annoying we must sound.
Do we ask the Lord Almighty to fill the empty cups?
Or do we ask each other?
This is where I have erred.
When my focus is not on Christ and Him Crucified
I find myself seeking the Lord in earthen vessels...(even with good intentions)
Instead of seeking the Lord.

Lord, Here is my empty cup. Father please fill it up, right here in my living room, in my pajamas and when I seem them on Sunday, may that cup that you filled flow over onto them.

Help me to worship you IN spirit and IN truth. Amen.

Trust

I keep trying to play Tug of War with God.
But He don't play that game.
The loser of Tug of War is the one who falls down.
No wonder my but keeps getting dirty.

Isaiah 8:17
I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.


Isaiah 12:2
Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.

A Poem

Quiet the clutter.
Quiet the noise.
Quiet the sound of the screaming void.
Stop what you're doing.
Just stop right there.
In all of your doing,
You "do" unaware.
You rush to do this.
You rush to do that.
You strive for pockets to be ever fat.
But lean I tell you.
Lean is what you are.
Leanness of Spirit and you think I'm afar.
But near I am to you.
I'm near each day.
This is how I long for you.
Will you not hear and obey?
Come sit by my side.
Join me by My Throne.
I long to be close to you.
Take Me for your own.
I take you for Mine,
If you will take Me.
My Bride, how I am so jealous for thee.
You know not the pretense.
This is not Loves Game.
I've called you as mine
and I've called you by name!
My doorway is open,
My mercy is wide.
My pastures are green if you choose to abide.
My freedom is vast.
My love is deep.
My knowledge and wisdom, may you ever keep.
I will clothe you with splendor
and My Beauty the same,
If you come through the Blood,
that is Jesus by Name.

Living Water

Colossians 1: 10-23

10 And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,

11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully

12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.

13 For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,

14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Well, if that don't beat all. That's just perfect considering my previous post ;) How faithful He is to meet His children where we are at and pull our heads out of the sand and show us His ways. How merciful and gracious is the Father's love...

Static

I'm sitting here, eating a banana and sulking. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. Do you ever go through days where you are just so sick of yourself? Ick. I just see all the selfishness rising up within me and I feel like unless the Lord comes to change me I will stay a self obsessed little beastie girl. There I said it. I am not so cute, or charming or funny. Nope. I feel like a little brown blob of glue. Sticky and messy. Don't touch.

The thing is, I can't even hide on the Internet anymore! Why, because some of you know me! And I know what you're thinking...."Colleen, knock it off." Well, I'm trying, it's just that, if I can't be real before the Lord or real with how I feel inside and get it out then I will feel like a plastic yellow smiley faced Christian and that's not who I am. NO MORE PLASTIC CROSSES.

I need Jesus. I need my Savior. I need to get over myself and airing out my brain by writing helps, so if you're reading this, this post isn't for you, it's for me, so just be patient and eventually we will resume to your regularly scheduled program.

Joseph and Daniel (Part 1)

I'm no bible scholar, but these are just some thoughts...

Two beautiful hearts of men before the Lord; who's lives I have been meditating on:
The life of Joseph and the life of Daniel.

These two men adored and worshipped the Lord in their everyday lives. Their love for God seemed to out way their temptation to fall into the deceitfulness of sin. In chaper 39 of Genesis it says how Joseph was given charge over everything in Potiphar's house. Joseph was merely his servant but Potiphar entrusted him with all he owned. Joseph was also apparently attractive and fine-looking. (v.6) Eventually Potiphar's wife took notice of him and on more than one occasion begged Joseph to lie with her. To which Joseph said:

"He is not greater in this house than I am; nor has he kept anything from me except you, for you are his wife. How then can I do this great evil and sin against God?" (Genesis 39:9)

Sin against God? How many of us would immediatly have such a true and right thought? Joseph knew His God. His realationship with the Lord ment everything to him. But I wonder if Potiphar's wife was beautiful. I wonder just how many times she came to Joseph. I wonder how easy it could have been for him to sneak away in secret since no one was around.

But like I said. Jospeh knew his God. He loved his Lord. Obviously more than his carnal desires. He was not willing to compromise himself. He was not willing to sin...against God. And Joseph? Was just a mere man.

But God! I couldn't help myself!
But God! I'm only Human!
But God! I had no choice!

Maybe you didn't use those words. But at one point or another we've all tried to rationalize our sin.

Then the Lord said to me once...
"But! But! But! There are NO Buts in My Kingdom! My Word is YES and Amen!"
(To His ways.)

Hmmmm...so, what's your excuse? Because I'm all out.

Cheap Grace

I feel like deleting almost this entire blog. Why? Because I have been drinking Cheap Grace. Because somewhere along the line I substituted the real cross of Christ for a fake one. A golden calf if you will and I'm disgusted.

I have written poems and sonnets to the Lord and declared this blog "Love Letters to the Savior". But really, I think they have mostly been love letters to myself. I may even change the title someday. How can I can write all this flowery stuff and still toy and coddle with sin like a toddler coddles it's dirty baby blanket? I have seen it in action. The child wants it's dirty blanket. The parent wants the child to grow up and put away the childish things. The child feels like the parent is holding out on him/her and screams for the comfort of the dirty blanket. God will not force me to stop sinning. But His love has so much more for me, if only I would receive it.

If only we would behold the beauty and the shame of the Cross and really know that Jesus didn't die so that we could mess around and play church in the outer courts. How did I get so dull? How did I become so blind? We cannot serve two masters. We will either love our sin and hate the Cross or love the Cross and hate sin just as the Lord hates it. There is no in between.

I have cheapened His grace. You can't toy with sin and be holy as he is holy at the same time. It doesn't work that way and I lie to myself if I think that it does.

Something has got to change and It's-Not-God.

Gutted

Something has happened to me tonight. I can't seem to stop bursting into tears. For the first time in a very long time I have been pondering Jesus straight up on the cross. It's like I'm seeing fresh just what he did for me. (For everyone) up on that cross. So often, when I cry, it's because I'm crying repentance over my sin. But how often do we weep over the price that Jesus paid for our sins? I wonder how much I would sin less, if I continued to focus on the magnitude of the price he paid for me. How often do we reflect on all the filth that His blood has covered in our lives? I don't know, it's just captivating me right now and I keep thinking..."This really happened." God came down out of the most glorious of places to become flesh and blood and die on a cross so that I might know His redemption. He took my sin. He was stripped naked and suffered unspeakable shame and torture so that I might choose him and be blameless before the Father. I know that sounds graphic, but it's the truth. No one else loves me like that. No one else ever will. I just feel gutted.

Am I right? Is this okay to talk about? I know that the Bible says "Restore to me the Joy of your salvation..." (Psalm 51:12) But I wonder, can we know His Joy until we know His suffering?

Nothing is too hard for God

Jeremiah 32:17

Alas, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by Your outstretched arm! There is nothing too hard or too wonderful for You-"

Healing of the sick is not too hard for God.

Forgiveness of detestable actions is not too hard for God.

To mend and heal the broken hearted is not too hard for God.

Redemption of the most despicable life is not too hard for God.

Nothing, absolutely Nothing is too hard for You, God.

Let Your Will Be Done. Let Your Kingdom Come.

I believe in You. I wait for You. I love You.

Unraveled

You uncover my heart.
Like a string around a spool.
You unravel me.
Gently unfolding,
rotation by rotation in Your hand.
Observing each thought,
each action.
I try to hide,
stay tightly wound,
but the tighter I hold onto me,
the weaker I become.
And it takes nothing for You
to come and unravel my heart
and I become nothing
but a mess of string at Your feet.
Yet how gracious is Your love.
You pick me up
and like a tapestry,
you weave me into the story
you have written.

Moments

Yesterday, my run was late. I like late night runs in the spring/summer because it stays light out so long here. Afterward I went to the park to stretch out. I layed down in the soft full grass and streched my arms way out. When was the last time you did that? It felt so good to lie there and feel the grass and look up at the sky and listen to the wind in the trees. I thought about the Lord and how good he is and how thankful I am for Him.

In little ways I hear your song
singing in my soul,
I close my eyes and wait on you
for in you I am whole.

The following verse has nothing to do with any of that but it touched me this week...

Psalm 119:26 "I have declared my ways and opened my griefs to You, and you listened to me; teach me your statutes.

How tender the Lord is with us...He listens to our griefs and then He teaches us His ways. Beautiful and I want more.

The Lie of Dissatisfaction and the Truth about Contentment

Something I've been meditating on...

Matthew 6:33

But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.

These words of Jesus keep washing over me. Whenever my flesh wants to rise up in selfishness I want His words and His spirit to rise over me in remembrance of this scripture. I have so much freedom and I take it for granted.

Freedom with my time.
Freedom with my money.
Freedom with where I go.
Freedom with what I do.

The grass is not greener on the other side!

Yet, my flesh is never satisfied. And you know what? It never will be, because it's my flesh.
That's why we are told in Galatians 5:22-24 to live by the Spirit! And who's Spirit would that be? The Holy Spirit.

The Spirit of Love.
The Spirit of Joy.
The Spirit of Peace.
The Spirit of Patience.
The Spirit of Kindness.
The Spirit of Goodness
The Spirit of Faithfulness.
The Spirit of Gentleness.
And
The Spirit of Self-Control......

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh (the godless human nature) with it's passions and appetites and desires."

Tell me this! If we are called according to his design and purpose (Romans 8:28) (and we are) what room is there for dissatisfaction with the portion He has given us for today? None, as far as I'm concerned.

Lord, Give me (give us!) deeper revelation of your Truth and satisfaction in You alone. Amen!

First Fruits

Sometimes I can feel You, near me when I pray.
Sometimes I can see You in the beauty of the day.
Sometimes I can sense You, in the middle of the night.
Though I sleep alone in bed I'm warmed in Your delight.

Sometimes when I'm crying, I know You're crying too.
Sometimes when I'm laughing, I laugh because of You.
Sometimes when I'm lonely, I know I'm not alone.
I know that you were lonely too...so far way from Home.

Someday when it's over, will You draw me near?
Will You whisper in my ear the words I long to hear?
"I'm so proud of you." I want to hear You say.
"I know it wasn't easy. But you listened and obeyed.
The time has come to celebrate. It's over and it's done.
Come enter My Kingdom child the battle has been won."

Boundry Lines

Rising up out of the ditch.

That is what I have been trying to do for the past two days. Don't ask me how I got here. I still don't know. But for a long time I was having a terrible time trying to draw close to my Lord. I was miserable inside, for too long. I tend to feel as though my relationship with the Lord is like a rollercoaster and let me just tell you, I hate rollercoasters. My thought process is something like, "If I'm feeling good and doing good, then I must be good. (In the Lord's eyes)". Subsequently, if I'm feeling bad, and doing bad, or sin, then I'm just the baddest of the bad girls. This makes for a pretty miserable walk and I am so tired of it. Often though, I feel like I am too much "In My Head."

So two days ago I forced myself to read my Bible. Really read it and I have come to realize this, I love boundaries. Inside I am always wanting to know what's right with the Lord. "God am I following you?" Is the question I ask myself time and time again. This time is no different. And here is what I read....

1 John 1:9

If we freely admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to his own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought and action.]

and continuing in 1 John 2:1

My little children, I write you these things so that you may not sin. But if anyone should sin, we have an Advocate (One who will intercede for us) with the Father- [it is] Jesus Christ [the all] righteous. And He (Jesus) is the propitiation (atoning sacrifice) for our sins and not for ours alone but also for the sins of the whole world. (Amplified)

The title of the post is Boundary Lines. What does this have to do with Boundaries? Jesus is my boundary. When I cross the line, He will pull me back if I am willing to look. And then I love this in verse 3...

"And this is how we may discern [daily, by experience] that we are coming to know Him [to perceive,recognize, understand and become better acquainted with Him]: if we keep (bear in mind, observe, practice) His teachings (precepts, commandments).

God help me. There is a reason why this scripture starts out as "My little children". It is because children need boundary lines. They need them to know what is right and how to live and conductive themselves. We are no different.

I realize that when I feel "bound" it is because I don't know my boundary lines, or I have simply forgotten them. So, God is faithful in His word to straighten me out.

"God help me to keep my head out of the sand and in your Word, so that I may think right and think straight and not give a hold to condemnation. Thank you Jesus."

Out of Words

Hello?
Are you still there Lord?
Can you hear me?
I'm the one in the corner who has stopped talking.
I don't know why and I don't know how to start again.

(sniff) I'm sorry....

For Him that I love

His Presence has come.
On a song and in the melody of my voice to you,
you heard me sing.
The song of my heart, the song of the Bride.
In thanksgiving you heard.
In these tears of joy you draw near.
How lovely is the Presence of the King.
How full is the atmosphere of your love.
In prayer, I speak to you my concerns.
In peace you settle my heart.
In promise you assure me through your word,
And in praise I will whisper Your Name.